Too Hot to Handle

hot summer

 

 

Ah, scorching hot summer! 

That wonderful time of year when your electricity bills are higher than your monthly EMI; that time when you contemplate cooking eggs on a pan outside on the pavement because it’s heated up like a furnace; and also the time when you feel the need to take out over mitts just to handle the car’s flaming hot steering wheel.

 

 

 

Yes, the glorious sweltering, make-your-clothes-stick-to-your-body and leaves-sweaty-patches-all-over-your-shirt summer is here. And it’s just beginning.

 

 

As you’ve probably gathered, I am not a big fan – Pardon the pun! While I cannot deny that fact that my son does have over 70 days of summer holidays – or joyriding doing whatever he pleases while I try to work from home, as I call it – does contribute in parts to my irritability, that is not the key reason for my discomfort with these dazzling days of the sun. It is the heat. And the humidity that comes with the heat that does many ‘unspeakable things’ to my hair.

 

One of the life-changing discoveries in the 3 decades that I’ve been here, is that once the temperature starts to soar over 20-degree-celsius, my body starts to react rather violently; and that reaction is called ‘sweating’ – something that drives me to the point of being bonkers.

 

My tryst with the heat also seems to get worse during the summer months because of another reason. And that is because of this amazing place called The Gym. Now, before you burst out laughing at the thought of me being at the gym, let me give you a little history here. I’m pretty rotund. Okay, who am I kidding? I am the big fat panda. But here’s the thing – the reason why I always end up considering hitting the gym during summer months is because that’s the time I realise that I no longer have the luxury of hiding my round shape under a jacket or sweater. And also because in this case, there’s a bakery right opposite my gym.

 

 

But while my sense of hygiene is debatable at times, two things that I find rather difficult to appreciate are sweaty gym equipment (hello, there are tissue boxes, paper towels, and gym towels for a reason!) and the fact that most people in the gym do not seem to have heard of this thing called a deodorant.

 

I complete understand this – we sweat. All of us do. And it gets worse during summer. In fact, I often say that the plus side of hitting the gym during summer is that you could simply stand on the treadmill and walk away with enough sweat to make you think like you ran a marathon. I call it – the illusion of exercise. But the body odour is unbelievable. Especially when, if the advertising is to be believed, we now have not just 4 or 8-hour, but 48 hour-lasting deos.

 

 

But the issue is that during summers, most people at the gym sweat like sinners at a church during confession.And it is not a fun place to be stuck at. In fact, I find myself muttering a silent prayer of gratitude for the fact that I am not Spiderman. It cannot be a fun experience trying to get out of the spandex-like suit during summer.

 

 

So rightfully, I am not much of a summer person. And if I think about it, I believe I may have been spoilt by my time in the UK. To most people who love the sunny and hot weather, summer in the UK is very much like your favourite actor making a guest appearance in an otherwise awful movie. Pretty much the only ‘weather highlight’ in a country that is mostly wet, windy and overcast. In some ways, summer in the UK is like the happy ending that you were promised with the girl of your dreams, but it ‘came too soon’.

 

I believe I may have the privilege of being part of a small portion of people who actually did not mind the relatively short duration of summer while in the UK. So needless to say, when we returned to India, I was in a world of pain. My Global Warming (yes, it’s a real thing – President Trump) had been busy at work, and even the otherwise manageable Bangalore seemed to be getting all ‘heated up’. Which meant that my wife and I suddenly had another bone to pick.

 

 

 

Some like it hot. And some like it cold. In the bedroom, I mean. The challenge is often finding the middle ground. My wife, for instance, needs the comfort of a warm room to sleep. I wouldn’t go on to say that it needs to be a furnace (although, personally I do feel like that some days!), but she can’t sleep in a reasonably cold room. Now, me on the other hand, I would rather have the room feel like an igloo.

 

 

So my wife and I often ended up playing a game that I now fondly refer to as ‘Attack of the Blanket Hogger’, in the middle of the night. My wife loves to be wrapped up like an Egyptian Mummy, failing which she finds her nightly rendezvous with sleep quite arduous. I, on the other hand, am not too fond of blankets. I’m more of a free spirit and will only use a blanket as the last resort. The problem starts during the wee hours of the morning when my wife wakes up shivering, only to discover that the blanket is now being hogged by me. Yes, the very same person who coincidentally gave her the long lecture about ‘blankets being for wimps’ and insisted on having the AC on the coldest possible setting.

 

So, yes, summer for me is a tough period. Between expelling my body weight in sweat, battling sticky equipment and smelly folks at the gym, trying to lose weight while the bakery opposite the gym bake delectable goodies and having blanket and temperature-setting wars with my better half, I have decided that the saner option is just to tell people that I’m not fat; I am just hot and expand during summer.

 

And of course, as some famous person said once,’Fortunately my culture believes in cremation. So I still have a chance to have a ‘smoking hot body’.

Comments

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  1. Soumya

    This is the post I came looking for! Before the actual comment starts, what hair? 😛

    The heat is quite something eh! Thankfully I don’t sweat much, but I recently saw how you reacted to the heat. Boy, I thought I could make a few thousand candles if you melted. So much for a business plan eh.

    People who hit the gyms should marinate themselves in perfume first. Once they leave the thread mill, their aura remains. Ew, I’m so glad I quit the gym. But I’d love to see you in a spandex suit one day. Sometime soon I hope.

    Of course you want the room to be as cold as an igloo. You have crazy levels of insulation remember? Poor J, my heart goes out to her.

    No matter what anyone says, you’ll always be smoking hot for me!
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  2. Kala Ravi

    Boy oh boy! You’ve got to try summers in Mumbai, Sid. Banglore will seem like UK to you. Yes, I see that as the best solution to beat the heat woes. Go to a worse weather place. That said, a hilarious read. The AC remote tug-of-war happens at my place too. We’ve compromised at 26 degs currently. You sure are too hot to handle! Cheers to chilled beers and some more 🙂

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  3. Natasha

    This was one hilarious post. This is probably my first halt at your blog and I loved it. Oh the air conditioning woes- story of our lives innit! The DH is the igloo and I’m the Mummy.
    I’ve stopped going to the gyms and workout in the open to avoid all the BO. Cycling/running. And some indoor yoga with a personal trainer.

    You have a way with words don’t you Mr Balachandran?! 😊

    http://natashamusing.com/2017/05/thursdaytreelove-standing-tall-arm-in-arm/
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      Sid

      Thanks, Natasha.
      And even more glad that you could relate to it.
      Story of our lives, indeed.
      As for the way with words – I’m honoured you think so 🙂

  4. Frank

    This is one funny post! I especially liked the part about bakeries in front of the gym because I know exactly how the struggle feels LOL

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  5. Shilpa Garg

    I can empathize with you, Sid! And let me tell you that dont ever visit Rajasthan in summers. In case you do visit us in April-June, you’d LOVE the Bangalore summers.
    You too!?! KG and I have this eternal battle over the AC temperature and it’s been on since the last 2 decades. 😀

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  6. Alka

    As Purba said, Bangalore folks can’t crib about sweating and the heat. The best thing about Bangalore is that you don’t sweat like you do in Delhi. And when it begins to become unbearable, it rains. Do visit us this time and share our pleasure of being grilled, sautéed and roasted. Argh…..hate summers. It’s a triple whammy for us – heat, dust and humidity.
    Nonetheless, lovely write up, as always.

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      Sid

      Have you been to Bangalore lately? It’s really hot. But yes, the sweating is definitely less. At least that’s what I’ve been told. And the rains certainly help.
      Good luck in seeing out the summer, Alka.
      Thank you!
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  7. Stefinia

    Things are quite hot to handle true… I never ever would go to the gym… I do stretches and yoga exercises at home, sit on the park or go after my kitten Garfield. Your son should give you enough workout, you should go walks, climb up stairs and start doing exercises like bends, sqauts, push ups and stuff… why go to gyn atall?… grow learn gardening Sid… it’s also exercise and try grow some vegetables. I am planning to do that, and I think that’s fine enough exercise. The heat I have more to compain especially of lack of tree and all the tree cutting that’s done due to which no shade is there outside. Damn I like spending time in Atms for Ac more than money thesedays.

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      Sid

      Chasing after your kitten could be quite the exercise too, I imagine.
      And yes, similarly running after my son – I get a great variety of work out.
      Gardening – I’ve been trying my hand at it, but I have no green thumbs, apparently.
      I fondly remember the time when in Chennai, I used to visit the ATM at nights, just to cool off.
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  8. Purba Ray

    Couldn’t mute the voice in my head screaming, HE LIVES IN BANGALORE. HOW DARE HE COMPLAIN ABOUT THE HEAT!
    And seriously what’s with men and their need to sleep in sub zero temperature while wife freezes to death?

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      Sid

      Ah, yes. The familiar voice. Sure, the Bangalore of before – certainly. But it’s getting to like 40 degrees some days now, so really, not much of a difference, I suppose.
      I take it Mr. Ray is pretty much an igloo man too, then.
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  9. Themoonstone

    Hehe we all have a chance have smoking hot bodies now. Summer is indeed getting progressively worse every year. I shudder to think of how things would be 10 or 20 years from now.

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  10. Kaddu

    😀 Had me smiling all along!
    I am the Egyptian Mummy in winters, with an “electric blanket” (no less!), but I turn my room into an igloo in the summers.
    That bakery has awesome business sense. Bad for you, but good business for them, I’m sure! 😛
    I find most gyms too stuffy. And I hate wiping someone else’s sweat off the handles!
    Yucks!
    Happy summers! 😀
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      Sid

      I sometimes put the fan in Winters, so really, I should not be complaining at all.
      The bakery – absolutely. And they’re always packed with people. As for the gym, eww sounds about right.
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  11. Vinitha

    This was hilarious, Sid. My husband likes to sleep in cooler temperatures covered in the blanket but I can’t. Low temperature makes that migraine of mine to come back.
    PS: When you posted this one I opened it on my phone and it was all messed up. Didn’t check later to see if it fixed.Now logging in from the laptop and all is well. Just wanted to let you know.
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      Sid

      Thank you, Vinitha.
      Ah! So you’re one of the ‘mummy’ people then.
      Yes, there was some issue with the mobile version. Which then led to me changing the theme and all that malarkey.
      Hopefully it is sorted now.
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  12. Mithila Menezes

    This post had me in splits! I wonder what the fellow ‘gym-goers’ would do once they read your post. Will they finally understand why towels and deos were created? 😀

    It’s too hot to handle here in Mumbai too! Add to that the crowded trains, syllabus to revise and exams to write. I can feel my brains cooking, on a stove that has an erratic burner. Thank goodness I’ve scheduled a few more posts for #AtoZChallenge, and alleluia that the challenge isn’t held in May. 😀

    I can totally sympathise with the bakery thing. There’s this really awesome bakery/restaurant near college that has the best doughnuts and pastries. It’s a task for me to walk past that place everyday to and fro college, and not spend all my pocket-money there 😛
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      Sid

      I am hoping that most of the gym-goers do not read my work. If they do, well, that’s my gym-woes sorted then.
      I can’t imagine travelling in trains or studying in such a scenario, with the heat literally cooking your brains.
      Aww! Come to bangalore little one – will buy all the doughnuts and pastries you can eat.
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  13. Parul Thakur

    Ha ha! That was hilarious. I am not a fan of summers too. I liked the pun sure. In Delhi – I used to barely survive and when I came to Bangalore, I was pleasantly happy by using geysers in June. But looks like not anymore.
    Add to it – in Yoga classes, sometimes at 8, I ask the instructors to turn the fans on. Know that yoga needs fresh air and all that. Doesn’t work, Sir! Phew!
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      Sid

      Although I am not familiar with the Delhi heat, I do realise that Bangalore is still some sort of heaven in comparison.
      Uff! Yoga in summers – with those positions. I do not even want to imagine.
      Thanks, Parul
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  14. Shantala

    I fail to understand how we can have so much in common! I hate (loathe maybe a more appropriate word) the Indian summers as well (the Amreeki ones are more tolerable).
    I can say ditto to most of what you have written here, except maybe I am not tempted by the bakeries. Okay, not as much atleast.
    And I do need the AC on always, even in the winters, when the temperatures are sub zero outside. But then unlike you, I always need a blanket – the thickest comforter available! My hubby fails to understand why I need the AC on high when I bundle up like I am in Antartica. He keeps saying that we could just switch off the AC, which clearly is not an option for me. 😛
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      Sid

      What! We’re like siblings lost at the proverbial ‘mela’, no?
      I bet the American ones are a lot more tolerable. What!! You have no sweet tooth? Damn!
      And yes, there is this inexplicable delight in leaving the AC on the highest setting and then bundling up. It’s glorious.
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  15. Varsh

    I was laughing throughout the post! I hate summers, and yes that too when I’ve been born and brought up in central Maharashtra which is the infamously drought-affected area since last few years. :-/
    I’m with you on the igloo part. Husband complains a lot, but who are we kidding, loses big time. No blanket wars in our case because he says I’m hotter than it and snuggles. 😂😂
    Ditch the gym and go for morning jogs like I do. Then you can make a stop at the bakery without being assaulted by non-deo users. Problem solved, you smokin’ expanded-due-to-summer hot guy? 😈😉

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      Sid

      If only laughter could cool a person down, eh? 🙂
      Glad to see that I’m not the only one who likes the room like an igloo. Yes, I’ve started the morning jogs; sans the bakery.

      Yours sincerely,
      Continuous Expansion.
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  16. Nibha

    Summers used to be my favourite season when I was a little girl, I think the reason was the summer vacations ofcourse! Yeah, I see that eyeroll! 😛 Well, that was years ago!
    But since the day I have landed here in Delhi that too from Mumbai which enjoy a fairly pleasant weather on being compared with the hot-plate Delhi is right now, you can very imagine my plight! Not an hour passes with me not complaining about the disturbed sleep of the previous night or how this heat is giving me headaches every other day!

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      Sid

      *stares at Nibha*

      Really? Delhi is that much hotter than Mumbai? I did not realise that. But then, Delhi does get cooler after a while, right? So perhaps something to look forward to.
      As for the complaining, join the club. We have t-shirts 🙂
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      Sid

      I hope you meant the part about ‘sweaty parts’ gross, and not the theme of the post 😉
      Karma. What a brilliant coincidence. They definitely have great business sense.
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  17. Obsessivemom

    Ha ha.. this was a fun read and the story of every household. First it was my sister who wanted to make an igloo out of our room and now it is the Husband! Yeah you guessed it I’m definitely on your wife’s side. Tell me this – when you like to live the Tundra life why do you poach on her blanket? As for bakeries in front of gyms – yeah those guys deserve severe punishment.
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      Sid

      That’s a question that my wife constantly asks me. Which is why we now have separate blankets – but it’s not as comfortable (or thrilling) as trying to pull the blanket from your other half.
      I have half a mind to start a Change petition; Maybe they’ll cave like what happened with the bars from the highway.
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  18. Ramya Abhinand

    Loved reading this hilarious post. And if you call bangalore hot, not sure what you would call the place I live in- Karwar. It is hot hotter and hottest through the day and extremely humid. The Ac is on through the day, and we dont bother doing any of theose temperature adjustments. Step a little away from the AC and we all get practically baked and barbecued.
    The best place to be in in summer is the pool. No sweaty people, just the cool water.

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  19. Rachna

    I feel very very hot. It has to do with hormones for sure, but my body feels like furnace even though we are in Bangalore. Every time I travel out of Bangalore, I grumble all the time and rarely step out of the a/c. Wasn’t like this when I was younger, for sure. But I need my sunshine, only not at really high temperature. 🙂
    I’ve never liked gyms. I prefer to workout at home or outdoors. Sweaty people and body odour is definitely an issue along with how boring a gym is. And I completely agree, summers are excruciating when it comes to workouts. The heat, the sweat and the dehydration makes you want to throw in the towel but then the lure of those funky clothes eggs one on. 🙂
    Could relate to those a/c woes as well. I need cooler temps, the husband needs them moderate. So I make do with a light sheet and the husband takes a thicker one in the interest of peace. 🙂 Summer woes, right? How are the vacations carrying on for you?

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      Sid

      Ah! I see that you’ve got ‘summer’ trouble too then. 🙂
      Though, I must confess – Bangalore has changed considerably from the ‘time of yore’.
      As for the gym, oh well – never ever gets easier. Unless you’ve got a blocked nose, I suppose.
      Haha..yes, we’ve started using different blankets now – though, it does make for an interesting game if both use the same blanket.
      Vacations – well, one month down, one to go. Fingers crossed.
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      Sid

      Yes, I find it pretty hard to think straight in this heat too. So I figured it’s best to write about it – of course, the suggestion was yours too 😊

      As for the debate between pollution and sweaty odour, I can only hope people take personal hygiene a bit more seriously during these summer months

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  20. Anita

    Rocking!!
    I just won a three year old argument with the husband (human-body-should-adjust-naturally-to-temperature-variation-and-not-depend-on-AC-contributing-to-global-warming) and installed an AC at home. I feel your pain, brother!

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      Sid

      *calls for a victory dance* 🙂
      Well, if it helps – the current President of the USA (supposedly the most powerful nation in the world, and thereby the most powerful person) believes that Global Warming is just a myth. 😛

      Not quite sure it’ll hold up in court though 😉

  21. upasna

    OMG, we have same kind of fights. I like my Room little warmer and my second half..you must know by now.
    You expand in Summers. It made me rolling off my chair. Seriously.
    Loved reading it Sid. I too hate Summers but still can’t stand a chilled room.

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      Sid

      I knew it! This temperature control thingy will the death of us, one day. 😉
      Well, I have to find a scientific reasoning – and that seems to the best one – hot stuff expand during summer.

      Thanks, Upasna. Glad you enjoyed reading it.

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