Honey, I shrunk the jeans!


“Jeans represent democracy in fashion” - Giorgio Armani

I’d have to be crazy not to agree with the great man.  From baggy flares to flashy boot cuts and  ‘I-can-see-your-coin-slot’ ones to ripped jeans that cost more than a regular pair - the world of jeans seems to have changed quite rapidly. However what he may have conveniently forgotten is that sometimes democracy leads us make choices that are sometimes very …let’s say questionable.

Some may call it evolution; but seeing some of these trends, I can only call it a severe case of ‘What the heck were they thinking?’ And to make things a lot more interesting, I recently learnt that Google is collaborating with Levi’s to create a new denim fabric. Codenamed Project Jacquard, you’ll soon be able to run your hands over your jeans to control your phone. While they’re sort of breathing new life into the term ‘butt-dial’, somehow I can’t help picturing the below scene.


Of course, I digress. Project Jacquard can wait. Let’s just say the future looks quite ‘touchy-feely’.

If you’ve been following me for a while, you may be familiar with my trysts around a particular kind of fashion trend that had us all by the 'crack of our behinds' up until a few years back. [If you haven’t, you may want to check this piece out].

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that my fashion sense is not really top-notch. In fact, if anything, it has become progressively ‘less interesting’ as the years have gone by. I’m a 30-something rotund (which is just the sweeter version of the word : fat) adult male who somehow managed to snag a woman who was definitely out of his league and now resides happily with her and their 3-year old son. That’s not to say that all married and settled men don’t have good fashion sense. I’m solely  talking about me.

My fashion sense is now limited to having decent clothes that cover parts that need to be covered and of course, any ‘jiggly’ bits. Of course, if I were to continue consuming cakes as frequently as I do presently, I may soon need to settle for one of those long, flowing robes that the Arabs so fondly wear. You know, like a dishdasha. [Yes, I’ll wait till you finish Google-ing it.] But more on that, in another post.

So, as I said, my sense of fashion isn’t what you'd call ‘trendsetting’. But somewhere along the line, I seem to have missed the notice that a lot of other men seemed to have received. The notice that seems to have them convinced them that ‘Skinny (or Super Skinny shudders) jeans’ is perfect for them. Yes, the more tapered and narrowed version of the previously known ‘Slim fit’ jeans. In fact, you could probably fit 2 pairs of skinny and 4 pairs of super skinny jeans inside a single pair of slim-fit ones.

Now, in the interest of the ‘disclaiming’ (i.e. the art of writing a disclaimer), please note that I’m generalising. There are some men, who are so skinny and lean that they can actually slip into the above mentioned type of jeans. However, the majority of us, do not fall under that category. And even if you did, less than 5% of the male population can actually pull that look off. So, indulge my madness for a bit.

Over the past couple of years, I’ve seen enough adult males try to ‘strut their stuff’ in these ‘almost-second-skin’ jeans. Suffice to say that I don’t think it’s for most men. We just have far too many ‘dangly’ bits to pull this look off without the jeans hugging us in all the wrong places. You need to have a certain type of body and an almost ‘stick-figurine-type-leg-structure’ to make it look good. Needless to say, it’s not really something you’d ever catch me wearing. Additionally, I would rather wear something that will let me both sit and stand comfortably, without the fear that I might be arrested for indecent exposure.

There is a very fine (and thin, ironically) line that separates a fine-fitting pair of jeans and a product that could be confused with Lycra . If you still don't believe me, Google ‘Men’s jeggings’ if you dare. And remember, you cannot un-see those images! It should suffice to say that there are pictures of men in skinny jeans and leggings that cross that above-mentioned line. And some more. Perhaps even showing things that should only be visible in the comforts of one’s own home. shudders

There are some scientific studies that say that these skinny jeans may cause infertility in men because of the ..well…rather cramped space down (or is that up?) there. On a positive note, all the suffocation down (again, up?) there may just help control population. After all, it takes forever (and perhaps an army) to take them off. [Not the other thing, you dirty-minded people!]

Of course, some of you blessed folks who can get into these super skinny jeans are going to say that I’m just jealous, given my Kung-Fu Panda-esque shape. To them, I offer a bite of this cake that I’m presently devouring. For the rest of us ‘shapely’ people, if you want to experience how it really feels to try to get into a pair of super skinny jeans, it’s simple. Just wash your smallest and snuggest (is that a word?) pair of jeans at least three times back-to-back, and then try to slip into it while it’s still wet.  Good luck getting it past your thighs.

This is probably why experts say we mustn't wash jeans  too frequently. Maybe if we wash it enough times, it'll turn into skinny fit.

[tweetthis twitterhandles="@iwrotethose" displaymode="box"]So unless you've got skinny genes, best to avoid skinny jeans. [/tweetthis]


PS. While I may have next to zero fashion knowledge, common sense dictates that everyone should find types of jeans that fit their shape and size. Unless you want to look like this.



Img src: Cartoonaday.com

So, do you?