working moms

Guilty? Or Guilt-free?

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Recently, I spoke to a friend who is all set to embrace motherhood in all its glory. Now, I’ve known this person for a long time, and she loves what she does for a living. And mind you, she’s pretty darn good at it. But the more we discussed parenting and how life changes after kids,  the more it became evident to me that there was something she wasn’t telling me. As people who’ve known me for a while can confirm, I usually diplomatically manage to coerce get the person into revealing what it is. Anyway, as it turns out, while she was ecstatic about motherhood and everything associated with it, she was also concerned about a few things. One of these things was ‘returning to work’. Because as I mentioned earlier, she is someone who enjoys what she does and for her to not be able to put in the same amount of effort post-motherhood, would - in all sense of the word - kill her.

Curious, I asked her - why should her becoming a mother, affect the way she worked? After all, people successfully do both. She looked at me and said “Guilt”.

And her one word answer, got me thinking. I’ve heard the phrase ‘parenting guilt’ being thrown around quite a lot, and perhaps one of the reasons that I wasn’t too affected by it, was because, well, I rarely feel guilty about anything. For starters, if I did, I wouldn’t eat so much cake and be such a rotund person. (Yes, I noticed the smirk.) Perhaps, it is also because I don't think I've done anything that wasn't justifiable in my book. But I couldn’t let go of what she’d said; so I pondered over it for a few days wondering if others felt the same way.

I started to ask other working mothers in my group - friends, fellow bloggers and ex-colleagues. And I was surprised to hear that at times, a lot of them felt guilty in some way.

Some felt guilty about not being able to spend as much time as they would have liked to with their kids. Some others felt guilty about actually enjoying their work, despite having a little one at home. Yet some others, felt guilty because society made them feel  like they weren’t doing enough. And some others felt guilty about the fact  that sometimes they felt the urge to have some ‘me-time’.

And that’s when I realised that I had an example - a fusion of these, perhaps - right at home.

So to my lovely wife, who is both a career woman as well as a doting mother, and every parent who may have at times, felt guilty about not being there 24x7 for your kids, this one is for you:

Not everyone can juggle all the different roles as you can, with such relative ease. So relax, you are doing a splendid job. Yes, I know - at times, you may feel like you’re not doing enough for your kids or sometimes even feel left out of the little ‘ecstatic moments’ of joys that you may otherwise get to share with the kids. It’s only human to feel so. And of course society will lay down their rules of what’s the right way to bring up a child and what isn’t. But pay no heed. You’re all superstars.

And since we’re on the subject, remember that while your kids are a pivotal part of your life, there is no need for your world to revolve around them all the time. The presence of your kids should augment the sweetness of  your life, like how a spoon of sugar can do for a cuppa, not shackle your conscience.

You deserve to take some time off for yourself. So the next time, if you feel you’re not doing enough or being there enough or giving enough, remember that it is okay to go out for a meal or a movie or even a mini-vacation, just by yourself or with your better-half while leaving the kids with grandparents or extended family. Or to take time off to do things you like - be it writing, reading, painting, or even just lazing on your couch, watching your favourite TV show. Or even just enjoying the work you do. And most of all, it is okay to ignore what others may think of you as a parent. Your parenting style needs to be shaped by your situation and the environment that your family is in, not by some social expectation, external pressures and unwritten rules of how to bring up your child.

Regardless of what the ‘parenting police’ say, remember that there is no ‘Perfect Parent’ award. So just be a real one. You are a human being, not superwoman (or man). It wont do you any good to be riddled by guilt set by expectations or to be anxious or exhausted. Instead, what time you do have with your kids, make sure you become a happy, good-humoured role model showing them that it is perfectly possible to balance priorities in life.

And as for the kids, they'll turn out just fine. After all, you are amazing parents.


 

I'm curious - What do you think? Do you think parents need to feel guilty about working? Or even having to want some 'me-time'?

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

SHE rocks!

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My little one spent the first month of his earthly life in a transparent, rectangular box measuring 60 x 40 cm, and attached to different machines by coloured wires of all sorts. I suppose it’s safe to say that, for the first month, we hardly heard him cry. Rather our association with a fully mature baby was the intermittent noises and beeps that these monstrous machines emitted. No one knew what was wrong. Or what had caused it to go all wrong. All we knew - was that something was very wrong. And so we hoped. Prayed. Cried. Comforted each other. And watched his little pink, tummy, gently rumble as he slowly breathed in the disinfected air of the Intensive Care unit that had become his first home on earth. But this post is not about him. This post is about someone else. No, not me. But about his mother.

His mother, who went through all the ups and downs of pregnancy. His mother, who despite often shedding a tear from the prick from a needle, somehow found the strength to keep going through the dreaded contractions. His mother, who bore the brunt of the eight-hour labour, when he decided he didn’t want to come out.  His mother, who he almost bled out trying to escape from the womb.  His mother, who put on a brave face, when the nurse said he had to be admitted to the ICU, within hours of his birth. And his mother, who spent sleepless hours sitting by the glass box, waiting for a positive sign. That thankfully came.

I still remember the first few days, after my little one came home from the hospital. All of my paternity leave had been exhausted while he was in the rectangular box, talking to us in beeps and numbers. I still remember how I woke up in the morning and almost called in sick. I just wanted to spend every single second with him. But such is life. As the sole earning member of a three-member family, I had to work. So fighting back emotions, I went to work. I’d call every hour to check on what he was up to and how he was doing. Over the next year, I cribbed as I heard about all his firsts - the roll-overs, the crawls, the holding fingers….every single thing. I think I might have even blamed his mother, for the fact that I was having to work while she sat at home.

And then a year later, the equation changed. I had the opportunity to stay at home (while working on a few bits and pieces, of course!) while she returned to work full time. In my stupid little head, all I saw was: yes, this was my turn to rub it in. To tell her every single thing that she had missed while she was slaving it away. But there was something that I never realised till much later. If as a father, whose part in the birthing process was largely one like the proverbial stork delivering the baby,  I missed the kid so much - how would a mother feel?

I started to realise that every single time I mentioned about my son’s milestones, underneath his mother's smiling facade, was a heart - bleeding from every blow, my words inflicted upon it indirectly. So today, I want to apologise - to my wife, to the mother of my child, to every single mother - who works and has to spend time away from her off spring(S), by choice or not - you are truly are my #sheroes. And the full-time mothers, you too. Anyone who tells you that you’re sitting simply at home because you chose to spend more time with your family and kids, well, they’re idiots. You rule.

Before I continue rambling any further, I’m going to share this message to all obnoxious jerks who raise their funny-looking eyebrows at working moms:

Yes, you….I’m talking to you, right there at the back, smirking as you see my wife leave for office in the morning. 

Yes, you too, who trivialize her motherhood just because she also chooses to have a career. 

And you, let me not forget you, who thinks that she shouldn’t have a kid (or future kids) at all, unless she’s ready to forgo everything and sit at home looking after her little ones.  Well, I’ve got news people. Whether you like it or not, she’s a mother. And a damn good one at that. So shut it!

P.S. This started off as a status and as I rambled along, ended up on the blog. It's unedited and may have typos and errors. Kindly excuse.