A guide to wacky baby gear

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The world of baby products is truly magical. You have all kinds there - weird, wonderful, innovative and often just plain bizarre. It is a world, where marketing is king and one where new parents can  usually drown in. And I won't lie. I've bought my share of baby products that my now-toddler son outgrew in a matter of months. Baby gear, as this category is sometimes called, is often aimed at new, inexperienced mothers-and-fathers, who simple want the best of everything they can afford. But as with everything, there is always a line. A line, that if crossed, can lead to some wacky and strange products, like the ones below.

The Baby Mop  Because babies don't do anything else.

The first time I saw this product, I honestly wondered if I was looking at some form of a human baby centipede. And when I read the description, for one brief moment (of insanity), I may have actually thought that it was quite an innovative product. :P Jokes aside,  this product is perfect for families and parents who often wonder : “What does a baby do?”. Well “dear parents” - this is your answer. For $40, you can not only get your baby a fancy (I'd say creepy) looking onesie, but also start teaching him or her the importance of hard work. Why, the website itself proudly states that you need this because :

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So if you’re looking to transform your baby from a “good-for-nothing lump” who just eats and poops, into a prospective domestic help with an OCD for cleanliness - look no further. This is it.

 


Zaky Infant Pillow For moments when you want to be there, but just can't be bothered to

"Zaky's are hand shaped pillows that cradle and love babies, just like real hands" claims the website in bold, grey font. And that's fine with me. Because essentially, they’re a set of fake hands which when used correctly can trick your baby into thinking that you’re around. But here’s my problem - it is slightly beyond creepy. And just wrong on so many levels. To me, they’d look perfectly at home in a store selling Halloween costumes. No matter how comfortable they say it is, I’m not entirely sure I’d be happy leaving my kid in the “warmth and protection” of a pair of disembodied limbs.

 


 The Baby Keeper When two hands are just not enough

Are you looking for a contraption that hangs (yes, hangs) your baby on the back of public bathroom door so that you can finally relieve yourself without worrying about the little one? Or maybe you just need to tidy up the house and want the little one out of your way, but within watching distance? Or cook? Or just have some “me-time”. Introducing the all-in-one, multi-purpose “Baby Keeper”. For just $39.99.

Or maybe you’d just rather do this. :P

 

 


The “Apptivity” case Because that's exactly what I'd like to do with a $600 iPhone

Admit it. Most of us are addicted to technology in some way or the other. Now, newborns too can be as dependent on technology like us. All you need to do it insert that iPhone - yes, the very one that you sold your kidney for - and give it to your little one to play. Don't worry - it's drool proof :)

 


Poop Alert Because smells can be deceptive

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The moment you become a parent, you are blessed with  “heightened” levels of sense and intuition. One of them is the amazing ability to know if your baby has pooped. While sometimes there are tell-tale signs on their face accompanied with loud grunts, almost always you would not miss the smell. But just incase you’ve not been blessed with those “out-of-this-universe” super powers, fear not. Introducing the Poop alarm. This “innovative” battery-operated device not only senses humidity, odour and temperature changes inside your precious one’s diaper, but also plays a song and blinks an LED light. Now just imagine that going off in a public place like a shopping mall, or a restaurant. What would we do without technology, eh? I can't also help wondering what the song would be.


The Baby Lasso For the uber-active baby

Did you just mistake this “innovative” invention as some kind of medieval torture device? I did too. For the parents of all those active babies, how many would you like? :P


The Kickbee Because you need to tweet!

If I told you that you could get a “Tweet” from your yet unborn child, would you believe it? Well believe it people. With this revolutionary product, you will get a tweet every time he/she “kicks” the expectant mother. (Yes, this is a face palm moment!).

And if you’re wondering what the message is  - It is "I kicked Mommy!”. (Yes, you may face palm again!) Image Google Search

 


The Roller Buggy Is it a scooter? Is it a buggy? No, it’s the roller buggy!

If this isn’t every parent’s dream, I don’t know what is. How many times have you tried to speed through that pedestrian crossing with the buggy and a whole bunch of shopping bags and realised you couldn’t walk fast enough? Well, for all those moments, we have the Roller Buggy - a unique combination of buggy for your child and scooter for,well, the adult. Perfect for the parents who really have the “need for speed”.


The Aston Martin Baby Stroller For the baby, who has everything else.

Why should adults have all the fun? At a mere $3000, this state of the art Aston Martin stroller is one of its kind with authentic Aston Martin Chassis, seats and carry cot.  And leather interiors (seriously?).

I know what you’re wondering - does this pram have any unique capabilities, like sending the kid (yes, the very one who is fortunate enough to sit in it) to space? Or maybe it flies and can even survive a nuclear meltdown? Nope. But it does have an awesome sunshade, a winter footmuff and a folding detachable shopping basket. (In your face, regular prams!).

So if 007 ever chooses to marry, settle down and have kids, we know what to gift.


 [This post is written for the Project 365 program at We Post Daily aimed at posting at least once a day, based on the prompts provided. Today's prompt was :Try your hand at parody or satire — take an article, film, blog post, song or anything you find misguided, and use humor to show us how.]

 

Featured Image courtesy:Cartoonstock.com